Who's Your Sugar Daddy

OK....a few of you have asked for the "printed" version of the sugar story. There will NOT be a video. The saying that a picture is worth a thousand words would be changed to "a video created a thousand questions....and a call to PETA".

One Friday evening, last summer, Shirley and I headed downtown the the Street Fair. The kids decided not to go (with us ----- however, when their friends asked them to go, there was a different response). As Shirley and I made our way to the furthest end of the fair, Shirley's cell phone rang and Kaitlyn was on the other end.

Shirley: "Hi, Kaitlyn."

Kaitlyn: "S~~~~~ fell down the steps and hurt his wiener."

- pause for clarification - Shirley is hard of hearing. That, and the noise from the crowd at the fair, confused her keen sense of sound and she thought Kaitlyn said "Sean fell down....."

Shirley (to Troy): "Sean fell down the steps and hurt his privates, we need to go home now."

Shirley (to Kaitlyn): "Have him put some ice in a Ziploc and hold it where it hurts."

Kaitlyn: "He's not going to let us keep it there, he'll run away."

Shirley: "Just have him sit in the recliner with ice on it."

Troy: (thoughts rushing through my mind)
1) falling down the steps normally doesn't hurt that part of your body....unless your soldier is standing at attention. If that were the case, why would you be running down the stairs.

2) is it his soldier that is hurt, or, more than likely, the lower goods at the store? I suppose if he landed on a shoe with heels, that could happen.

3) yes, we need to get Sean to the ER. Just the thought of being injured there made me sweat and weak in the knees

Kaitlyn: "MOM!!!, Scooby is the one that hurt his wiener, not Sean!!!" - followed by Kaitlyn's laughter.

Kaitlyn (to Sean): "Mom thought you were the one that got hurt."

Shirley (to Troy) "Oh, it was Scooby, not Sean. We still need to get home right away."

Troy (thoughts rushing through my mind):
1) I was relieved that it was not Sean 2) humored that Shirley got it wrong 3) mildly disturbed that the kids would call for something that trivial.

Troy (to Shirley): "We're not rushing home because the damn dog fell and hurt his dink."

Shirley (to Kaitlyn): "We'll be home in a bit."

So we semi-rushed through the rest of the fair and got home to assess the damages.

Apparently Scooby (not Sean - much to every one's relief, except Kaitlyn) was running UP the carpeted steps and stumbled. This caused his "unit" to protrude from it natural protective environment and dried it at the same time --- rug burn where you don't want rug burn. Apparently dogs' units have to remain wet to be able to have full range of motion. It was obvious that Scooby was in pain. By now his unit was as dry as the Sahara and had started to swell. Swelling there - not typically seen as a "problem" as far as I know, but I've never been - and now never want to be - a dog.

I was the least worried about the situation. Scooby had been fixed so stud service was not on his agenda. Dr. Troy took a look and tried to "recover - as in get the cover over" said dry swollen unit. Being dry and swollen, it did not recover. In addition, male dogs have a bulbous that also swells when they are excited. Apparently, for Scooby, the first part of the fall must have been exciting, as that was now also a tissue issue that needed to be packed back into the protective environment.

At this point, I truly did feel sorry for the dog. First he gets fixed....now this. The next conversation went like this:

Troy: "Sean, get on the Internet and Google "broken dog dicks" ".

Shirley: "Troy !!!!! There isn't going to be anything on there about this."

Sean: "Found it."

Troy: "OK, let me see."

Kaitlyn: "We need to take him to the vet (I ignored this comment....at the time)."

I clicked on the first site and read their details. Sure enough, dogs with long hair on their undercarriage are susceptible to their units not being able to retract. The unit goes out, dries a little, and when it is retracted, the hair and surrounding tissue dry to the unit and cause all functions to halt....including possible blood flow. If this happens to your dog and you can't correct the situation, immediately take him to the vet.

Troy (thoughts rushing through my mind):

1) we got the call about 6, it is now 8. What do they mean by "immediate"?; 2) maybe we should have left the fair sooner; 3) (and this raced through my mind and out my lips) "we are not taking the dog in to the vet on the weekend because of a broken dick, do you know how much that would cost - a weekend visit!!!??? "

Of course, this was falling on deaf ears and does most "Troy/Dad Speak" at our house. When it comes to the dog, given the choice, I believe, no, I know, the kids would take better care of Scooby than me. The only advantage I have is that I give them cash. Yes....love can be bought.

Back to the Internet: "If this happens to your dog and you can't get immediate help (yes, light at the end of the tunnel.....we have to put him down...someone get the gun!) there are a couple of things you can try that may remedy this yourself."

If I can avoid a vet bill, I'll try anything once. After all, on the farm we never paid for pet's medical attention. We didn't name our cats until they had survived the winter....then we just named them Lucky.

There was an internet video on this site that explained exactly what Scooby was suffering from and the lady (odd choice for this delicate matter) was now going to explain what to do. Try wetting the unit with a damp cloth and then poking it back in. (This did not work as it was VERY dry, swollen, and bulbous).

If this does not work, get some lubricating jelly such as KY. (This opened up a whole other can of worms in our household that I will not get into). After much discussion about discretion, I got out the lube. Given Scooby's situation and the cost of a emergency weekend vet bill, I didn't care who knew what we had where. The kids watch commercials and I knew "KY" wasn't the matter at hand....well, actually it was in a way.

We put Scooby on a towel and Shirley held him down. I believe that at this point he was in enough pain that the lube probably felt pretty damn good. So I lubed our dog up and tried to poke the little gopher back down it's hole. It was a no go. As it was extended and swollen, it was not about to go back.

Back to the video. "If this does not work, you have to take the swelling down."

Pause - NOW, there were a couple thoughts going through my mind. 1) what disturbing act are they now going to suggest? The quickest way to take care of swelling in that area that I know of, I was not about to perform on the family dog.....even with rubber gloves....I wonder where those gloves are anyway; 2) maybe the vet bill would be worth it.

Video - "This is best done by applying sugar to the unit. The sugar will draw out the fluid and cause the swelling to go down". Pheeewwwwww, I wasn't sure what they were going to suggest....sugar seemed much simpler that a lot of scenarios that had just played in my mind.

Troy: "Get the little sugar container from the cupboard - the one that we use to sprinkle sugar on lefsa."

Shirley: "Here is it.....why are you taking the cover off?"

Troy: "I'm not going to "sprinkle" his pecker with sugar, I'm going to coat it."

Shirley: "You're going to use ALL that sugar??????!!!"

Troy: "It's only about 3 tablespoons and we need to WASH the whole thing after this anyway!"

At this point, I wouldn't have cared if we had to dump 10 pounds of sugar on the dog. Scooby and I were both smeared with water, KY, and dog hair. So I poured the bottle of sugar on his unit and immediately it shriveled up and tucked itself back in.

Why wasn't this step #1???? Was this just a cruel joke to see if you'd actually try the other suggestionsd first? Or were the readers smart enough to skip to the end? I was not.

Instantly Scooby (and the family) felt better. Because of the mess that he was, we just put him in his kennel knowing he'd sleep anyway....after licking himself clean of the sugar, of course.

Within a couple of hours, he was back to himself and all of us had gained knowledge about a dog's reproductive system, some about the humans', and gone from "101 uses for sugar" to 102.

So next time you're at our house and you are sprinkling sugar on your lefse, Scooby will be standing beside you looking up with that sparkle in his eye as if saying "Is some of that for me?"